Multiple Personality

So Rocco would have been eliminated last week, if the show hadn’t been a big tool and ended the show with no elimination to keep this fine program on for every week possible. (In case of a contestant injury, aren’t they supposed to bring Comfort back? Just askin’.)

I’m just warning you right now: If the producers have decided they like this non-elimination thing and foresee keeping the show on into the spring, I’m outta here; I believe I have just enough cheese-tolerance to make it through the prescribed number of weeks without self-enacting the wood chipper scene from Fargo. (How much scorn and derision can one man have for a humble little television program, I ask you?)

First up is Maurice and his obese partner…isn’t it funny how everybody made a News Story out of Cheryl going from anorexic-looking to normal? Because, heaven knows, it was certainly a light news week, right? So Maurice and Chunky did the Samba. Boy, did I hate that. (uh-huh, uh-huh) Let’s explain something up front: I am an honorary Brazilian, and I even learned to speak the language and sing the music. So I loves me some Samba, even the prissy ballroom version. And that warn’t no Samba. If the costumes weren’t enough to cause involuntary heaving, the entire disco-funk attitude was as far removed from Samba as Sarah Palin is from Mensa (too political?). That dance just sucked on every level. It sucked into next week’s program. It was the Hoover of sucking. If it was a gay porn star, it would be French active. (I’m done now.)

Cody Montana and Blondie are doing the Tango. Is tonight going to be all about horrible music choices, cuz we’re already two for two? What little there was in that dance that was Tango (and don’t ask me if it was Argentine or not, because that’s like asking if a drooling baby is speaking Latin or Dutch) was made impossible by ridiculously incompatible music. Julianne looked stiff and dumb, Cody looked stiff and dumb, and we all know that that’s only a good look for deaf gay porn stars. (I guess I’ve got an unfortunate running theme going here.) I was defending these two last week when the judges were condemning them. This week, they’re on their own.

Toni and Alec are up, and let’s hope it’s a better Samba than the first one. Toni is talking about her heart condition again on the roll-in. Enough. Well, at least that felt like a real Samba. Toni was a little horsey, but she had some good hip action going and she looked great. And if Alec decided to do some Samba Rolling in gay porn, I’d rent it. (sorry…theme) Toni did a series of turns, led by Alec, and I have to say it was kind of impressive. Not enough to overexcite me and give me a heart condition, but respectable.

It’s Cloris time. Yay! Tango, huh? This’ll be interesting. Honestly, I just don’t know what to say about that dance. Since she stressed in the roll-in how she was working on technique, I was watching for that at the beginning…and it was pretty bad. But then you start looking at her commitment, which was full and yet just slightly over the top, and how can you help but love Frau Blücher all over again? Much of the dance seemed like Corky treating her like a very old, slightly flexible mannequin…but, hell, Kim Cattrail played one of those in a movie once, right? I still love Cloris.

Rocco and Vodka are evidently doing a Circus number, based on their outfits. Oh…I guess it’s a Samba. Jeez. I gotta say, I feel for the guy. All the steps he was doing looked good on paper, and the poor schmuck is really giving it his all. But it just ain’t workin’. He seems like a nice enough fellow, and he sure is trying. But I need to not see him dance anymore. It’s disconcerting. And he shouldn’t do any gay porn either.

Chicken Legs Lucci and Tony the Partner are doing a Tango. Perhaps she will pull this one off. Well…her carriage was good, and her attitude was Erica-y. But it’s those legs. And she was really trying. I think she’s just outsized by her partner, and there isn’t enough length for her legs to make the thrusts and wraparounds that the Tango requires. She got there once, but for the most part her legs were getting to level 3 when they needed 9 or 10. (That’s just my metaphor…nobody numbers Tango legs.) On a gay porn scale, they get good points for attitude, but are lacking in thrust.

Brooke and the Boytoy are now gonna Samba. The roll-in featured real Samba. I love Samba. I hope these two don’t make me hate them. Damnnnnnn! That was hot!!! Now that’s what I’M talkin’ about. Brooke is incredibly sexy, and the Boy was doing okay tonight as well. And that dance! For a minute, I thought I was watching a dance show that I really get excited about. There were some moments where they were out of sync, but overall that was the best dance I’ve seen tonight, and perhaps all season. Me likee. Five stars on the gay porn scale. And the straight porn scale. Bi porn too.

It’s Lance and Lacey time, mit der Tango. The thing I love about this couple is that — when they’re not trying to please the Old Brit — they do dances that could almost be on That Other, Good Dance Show. Tonight was nice and flavorful, perhaps a little too fast to really embody Tango, but some great frame from Lance and some great footwork from Lacey. Unfortunately, Lance’s footwork was a little sluggish, and the whole thing seemed a little forced instead of fascinating. But it was better than most everything else the show’s been dishing out. Lance seems a little too innocent for gay porn, but what do I know? I’ve been fooled before. (No, I won’t go into details.)

For the record, I would be very pleased if the finalists were Lance and Brooke.

Warren and Kym are gonna Samba. I don’t anticipate the feel of Brazil. As much as the Blonde Aussie tried to distract the eye, it was unmistakable how UN-Samba her partner was. That was utterly awful. He had no hip action at all, and for some reason he did most of his dancing on his tiptoes. It was the antisamba. What a bitter taste to leave in the mouth. At this point, I wouldn’t mind him leaving before Rocco; I feel the need to wash out my eyes. Bah. Humbug. Nossa, Senhor, que coisa horrivel! Needless to say, no gay porn credits.

If Brooke, Lance, and Cloris stick around for next week, I’m fine. Everybody else…meh.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 13th, 2008 at 11:07 pm and is filed under So You Think You Can Dance. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.