Maher-de-Har-Har
Bill Maher’s most stunning lines this week were a mix of the funny and the filiblustery (did you like that new word?). Here are the highlights, from “new rules”:
1. As his fist official act, Barack Obama must raise Joe the Plumber’s taxes. I’m not saying he should raise all middle-class taxes…just Joe. Congratulations, Plumber’s Helper, you’re in a tax bracket of one…complete with your very own tax form, the 1040-F.U.
2. Don’t pretend Twinkies are healthy now, just because you can get the “100 calorie” size. Here’s the miracle: it’s smaller. And here’s how to make your own at home: cut an old Twinkie in half. And here’s how to make it healthy: throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.
3. Now that you’ve lost, Republicans have to agree not to waste everyone’s time spending the next four years screaming for investigations of Barack Obama over made-up bullshit. . . . Y’know, there’s loyal opposition, and then there’s just opposition. Let’s not do the ’90s again — except for the part where we have peace and prosperity. There was an entire industry back then dedicated to making Bill Clinton’s life miserable, over expensive haircuts, and old land deals, and the Lincoln bedroom, and getting blown. But this ain’t the ’90s; we’ve got two wars, a melting planet, and the only thing keeping the economy from total collapse is Sarah Palin shopping sprees. You know what phrase I don’t want to hear used frivolously for the next four years? . . . “Disrespect for the Rule of Law.” Dick Cheney ordered prisoners tortured by name; that ship has sailed. . . . When Obama starts a preemptive war, and then fucks it up; and makes torture our official policy; and outs a CIA agent; and purges U.S. Attorneys; and tries to put his cleaning lady on the Supreme Court; and doesn’t act on global warning; and appoints as the head of FEMA an ex-dildo salesman who was his college roommate — y’know, that kind of stuff? — believe me, I’ll be with you. But until then, I don’t want to see Republicans freaking out if Obama isn’t singing the National Anthem loud enough. Or they find out he gets his suits made in France. If he puts a moonroof in the presidential limo, he’s not making himself Führer; he’s just trying to get the smell of stupidity out of the seats. . . . So that’s it: no special prosecutors, no trumped-up investigations. If Republicans really want to “look into” something for the next four years, my suggestion: try a mirror.