Multiple Personality

“You wanna hate me, Big Boy?” “How can I hate you when you call me Big Boy?”

The look on Rex’s face as he stared at Gigi and Brody “in bed” together said it all: “I don’t believe this…what am I doing in this storyline?” So say we all, Rexy, so say we all. I don’t know how much more needs to be said about this train wreck (which is, in fact, worse than the train wreck many years ago where Nora got amnesia and crippled…but I digress). Gigi is going through the whole song and dance about the asteroid and the Moon Men who disintegrated her clothes, and how she accidentally tripped and fell onto Brody. (And her real explanation wasn’t much more plausible, but what the hell.)

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How Do You Give a Come-Hither Slap-in-the-Face?

Dorian and that nasty man from Colombia-via-Santa-Barbara have been in the longest lip-lock of all time, which apparently stretched from last Friday’s episode all the way to fade-up today. Once they came up for aire, Dorian looked at him ambivalently and gave him the most half-assed little slap she’s ever cocked her arm for. Pretty funny. Then they went back to sucking bilingual face again.

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Wanna hear something really weird, in a completely inconsequential way? I was doing a little work this afternoon, and for some utterly non sequiter reason I suddenly had a craving to watch Airport. (Before I continue, let me explain that I only have cravings to watch Airport approximately every 10 years or so…and only the original, not the one with Karen Black.) But that’s not the really weird thing (though you may beg to differ with me.) The weird thing is, I turned on the TV right then and flipped through the channel guide, and THERE IT WAS, 20 minutes in progress!

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Breaking News: Brody is Shirtless for Most of Episode!

I have a friend who thinks that the mark of a good stageplay is if some guy comes out naked within the first ten minutes. Clearly believing in the TV version of that philosophy, Carlivati and Co. open today’s show with mostly-naked Brody clean-and-jerking some free weights. I applaud this program; it’s essential that we stress the importance of physical exercise in our television content.

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Schuyler Is Rex Plus 20 Pounds

Gigi is back (still?) in the hospital chapel. God must be getting really tired of listening to her by now. And Psycho Malibu Stacy has spent the night with Hip Perv Teach…except it was a nookie-free encounter, since Stacy only has vulva for Rex.

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What Am I Doing In a Dream Sequence? I’m Just a Baby!

Natalie has gone to great lengths to learn the truth about the Death of Hope, and now that she’s got Jessica, Starr, and that cute li’l not-dead baby in front of her, all she can do is stammer and go into black-and-white dream sequences. Jeez, Red, get a grip and spill!

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And how did he get so wise at age 17 ?

Bald Guy to Dump Drowned Rat for Psycho Slut

Blair is awake. She realized that, in this recession, she couldn’t stay off-camera another day. Comas aren’t fiscally prudent.

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Flat-Iron Terrorist Strikes Llanview!

This serial killer that’s making everybody Froot Loops (get it?) is nothing compared to the other violent figure lurking around town: The Llanview Hair Flattener. Marty is his latest victim, and considering how the Hair Flattener works, it’s only a matter of time before she looks as Drowned-Sewer-Ratty as Gigi.

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This is an interesting phase for me. I’ve stopped giving my spiritual lectures (on the Course in Miracles), and I just let go of my newspaper column (because the staff was editing my work in moronic and racist ways…but that’s not what I want to talk about…ever again, if I’m diligent). So at this juncture, I’m the freest of free agents.

Interesting that Battlestar Galactica should have its series finale this past Friday. (more…)