Multiple Personality

Aren’t Ya Glad She Got Outta the Coma Above-Ground?

Bo wants Jailhouse Lindsey to stop him from marrying Nora. And Wheelie wants Pre-Wedding God to tell him if he should stop suing his parents. Sassy comes in during his one-sided conversation.

At this point, I have to ask a delicate question. Who is dressing Rachel and Sassy? Because they appear to have shopped at Clowns ‘R’ Us.

Dorian is having a little drinkie and a monologue, bitterly reminiscing about men who’ve dumped her for hemorrhoid commercials and nutjob daughters (this is a case where the writers phrased this so irreverently I didn’t need to embellish). I sure hope they settled her contact negotiations, cuz nobody does monologue like this woman. Love it.

Tea and Todd are being utterly cute-tastic with each other, as Todd is trying to be genuine and boyish and romantic. Meanwhile, Blair is trying to counter this by hooking up with Porn Lifeguard Chad…who doesn’t even remember who she is. But before Blair can remind him, Drunky Dodo hangs up the phone and…brings in some musclemen and tells Blair to take off all her clothes. That could be promising, except I know they’re masseurs.

There’s lots of BoNoraClint should-they-or-shouldn’t-they? Isn’t it interesting and different seeing Nora in a front-burner story? I didn’t really notice until I realized that she was taking a rather mundane scene and situation and making it really shine. I love Nora. But then you already knew that.

Jessica seems to be getting haunted by Tan Jacket. But this pales in comparison to the importance of Brody’s sideburns. They are getting too wide and pointy. Tone it down, Brody.

Lindsey was pretty funny when Bo asked her to list off all the reasons to avoid Nora. Nobody switches on the Instant Bitter Vish like Lindsey. We love that old tart. And Rachel is trying to convince Nora to not marry Clint, but who wants to listen to her in that condom dress? Then Nora has a killah speech about living under the weight of Bo’s non-forgiveness. Damn, she’s fine!

OMG, all the bridesmaids are in those Condom Dresses! The other two don’t look quite as bad as Rachel, but everybody looks like those big sandworms from Dune. What misogynist designed those things?

Clint is all ferkelmpt cuz Bo hasn’t show up yet, and when he finally does he seems all ambivalent. It’s not much of a cliff-hanger, but you might glean there’s an outside chance he’ll say something about wanting to run off with Nora. But I’m really reaching here. (Now watch…the writers will spite me by having Bo blurt the whole thing out, first thing Monday. Nah.)

Langston Wants Some of Markko’s Churro

Brody has been summoned by McBaaaaaaaiiiniac, McBaaaaaaiiiniac, On The Force…And He’s Mumbling Like His Voice Is Really Hoarse. (That was to the tune of Flashdance, if there was a question.) Mumbles tells Brody that his police academy application is rejected, or something…which just means that the poor sap is being recruited into the Hardy Boys Jump Street adventure.

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Do you think the dancers found that Clown opening number as annoying to dance as I found it to watch? To paraphrase the little boy who did not take kindly to Bozo the Clown’s in-studio admonition, “Cram it, Clowny.” As usual, Tyce Diorio goes from 60 to zero as quickly as he goes from zero to 60. Cat is wearing a wall of green sequins with shoulder pads. It’s as if a fabulous gay dragon threw up on Joan Crawford.

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It used to be that once we reached this few dancers, the show would shrink to 90 minutes or an hour. But now that it’s a hit and/or Nigel’s self-congratulations know no limits, we have two hours of show tonight for 6 dancers. I guess there are worse ways to spend two hours than dealing with a bit of bloat (the show’s and Nigel’s). None of the dance-ettes were particularly enthralling tonight, though I have to say I’m newly bummed that Janette isn’t among them.

Cat looks fantastic, wearing one of my fave colors. In addition to the fetching mini-dress, she seems to be wearing a teleportation device on her wrist. Whatever, dude. Li’l C is the guest judge tonight. Prepare yourself for some confabulatory vocabulatration.

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Wheeler-Dealer Wheelie Is Really Gonna Squealie

Mumbles is setting Cole up in his new Hardy Boys Jump Street apartment, from whence he shall single-handedly crack open Llanview’s notorious drug cartel, not to mention the Karen Wolek Memorial Prostitution Ring. He might also catch Osama bin Laden, who was spotted in one of the caves on Llantano Mountain.

Tea is having a morning meeting with Wheelie who, evidently, became possessed by the spirit of his grampa during Dead Asa day. This kid is planning to use the BoNora Illicit External Kiss as leverage to get his case settled. You go, Wheelie!

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Prelude to a Kiss Tonsillectomy

Up at Asa’s Magical Blackout Cabin, Viki and Clint have found a “wedding present” from Asa. And Nora and Bo have found each other, in an exterior location — night. Nora was so happy to see Bo that one might think they are destined to be married to each other again…but maybe that’s just my imagination…

Geedge has finally realized that Rex and Sleggers (aka Slutty Preggers) slept together. (more…)

Somebody Tell God that Asa’s Playing with the Printer Again

Brody and Jared are trying to hang a banner for their ladies, but they ask Brody to lift his side up higher, which is impossible since he’s three feet shorter than Jared. But I think we can all agree we wouldn’t kick Brody outta anything for being height-challenged. The banner was clearly done at Loki’s Subtextual Mischief Printers, because they didn’t just mix up the names of the two couples…they threw Charlie out altogether so Bo could be paired with Nora. Somebody got some ’splainin’ ta do.

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Ménage à trois chez La Boulaie mon cheri pommes frites avec mon oncle d’Amérique sacre bleu

Now that Stacy is bat-shit bonkers, I actually might start enjoying this storyline. (Maybe.) Watching her stick her little stripper-tummy out under her hospital gown, as she admires her Evil Fetus in Rex’s mirror is both campy and creepy…gotta love the campy and creepy.

Nora has announced to the More Neurotic Buchanan why she can’t marry him tomorrow: because Matthew is suing her and the Less Neurotic Buchanan. But when Mo-Neu learns that a date isn’t even set for the court case, he has to wonder why Nora won’t marry him tomorrow. Meanwhile, Less-Neu is looking at the two of them with eyes that are somewhere between “surreptitious” and “hungry.” I wonder if Little Richard is available for BoNora’s next wedding.

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Is Vengeance Pro Bono related to Cher?

Cole and Starr are waking up from their Disney Night of Sex, and the light is shining in as if filtered through a thousand singing daffodils. I’m sorry…it isn’t a bad scene, I’m just a sour old fart today. Janette got voted off — sorry, that’s the other show.

Over at the Palace, New Rachel has interrupted the shirtless Rich Doctor Handsome, who is apparently waiting for room service with some leggy and slutty doctor lady. At least it’s this brother who’s shirtless. (Too sour?)

Well, isn’t Matthew the little cheeky monkey now that he’s suing his parents. (more…)

Let’s all try and remember how fantastic Mia Michaels’s addiction dance was, and how much nicer she has been as a judge lately. That being said, what a huge pile of steaming gall was her opening number to “One” from That Show That I Spent My Formative Years In. I tried to keep an open mind, as I watched DIFFERENT choreography to one of the most iconic dances in Broadway history. But I’m sorry…that was just wrong, on so many levels. I think I’ll just drop it now, before I make myself really upset. But…what a large set of iron balls somebody has, thinking they should “reinterpret” that number…and doing it THAT way. Jeez. (The one thing I will say in her defense is that she put some interesting patterns in the dance…that were made completely undiscernible by preposterous camera work.)

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