Multiple Personality

“Siftin’ Around the Seaweed,” and Other Tall Tales

After the debacle known as Yesterday’s Show, I’ve never been so happy to see David Vickers and Nora Hanan Gannon Shmannon Buchanan in my life. At Llanfair, Brody is complaining about being cooped up for recuperation, yet he refuses to take his clothes off to garner sympathy. He comes upon Jared having one of those “I told you never to call me here!” phone calls. Dude is guilty. Now…will it be fun watching them reveal how and why he’s guilty, or will it be laboriious? The age old question: Slutty-Clammy Style or Actually Written?

But into each life a little rain must fall, and today’s canvas also includes Coma Lumber and (gulp!) hungover Blair on the boat. (more…)

I Have a Pain in My Funk and Wagnalls

The word for the day is “perspective”…as in, “The writers have lost all sense of perspective.” I am weak with melancholy at the prospect of even describing this, but Blair is on the boat and — for no reason that can accomplish anything — she finds a foghorn and screams while she sets it off. And even though — from our perspective — she’s sitting in the middle of the ocean (I mean, Llantano Bay), everyone at the wedding hears her like she’s in the adjacent cabana. AND everyone at Rodi’s hears her. AND the two kids having sex-on-the-couch in another location hear her. AND the Nielsen families hear her, as they storm en masse to another channel…anything to escape this. Is this supposed to be a subtle plug for ABC’s new prime-time series, FlashForward, where everyone on earth blacks out at the same time? Only here, they all just hear an omnipresent foghorn all at the same time? (The budget is smaller for daytime, after all.) Then we’re back to Todd, who’s getting testy with the minister to finish this crap. Join the club, brother.

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I Lost My Mind in Llantano Bay

As if having Slutty back on the canvas today weren’t enough to set hearts aflutter, we learn that Lionel Richie will be singing at the club! Um…Lionel Richie? He’s evidently singing with “Jeremih,” but I don’t care if he’s singing with the late Jerry Garcia…Lionel Richie? They’re not time-warping people back a few decades again, are they?

Over at Casa de Hubcaps, Markko has just ushered Ellie Mae Langston into the apartment. He’s all excited to put her into his student film project. She’s all excited to put on some lacy underwear and then take it off right away. That girl will make someone a wonderful little strumpet.

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Yeah, I know this is the reality show that keeps winning the Emmy year after year, and I can rattle off all the “legitimate” reasons why this show is a class act (as these things go). But the truth is I’m slightly mortified that I LOVE this show as much as I do. And last night was the two-episode premiere, so I feel like a kid on November 1 who spent the night overdosing on Halloween candy.

But I’ll try and pick myself up from my sugar drop long enough to tell you what looks promising this season…from least exceptional to most.

Mildly amusing will be Mika and Canaan:

Bask in their fresh-scrubbed Christianity! They have already pronounced themselves extremely devout, and plan on praying to Jesus that he should make them win. He’s a country music singer! She’s blonde! His name is right out of the Bible! Hers is one syllable short of “formica”! They have declared their “purity” until marriage, and I want there to be a pole-dance challenge this season.

The second-most-interesting pair are Sam and Dan: (more…)

Note to Self: Don’t Sleep with Viki

David Vickers has shown up with luggage at Dorian’s, and Viki has shown up with Charlie at Todd’s wedding. She compliments Jack on how handsome he looks, and the kid has the opportunity to do his best DeNiro “Are you talkin’ ta me?” Then he pulls out a chainsaw and does Al Pacino…no, not really.

At Llanfair, we see Brody and Jared snuggled up on the couch. (more…)

I have been aggressively disappointed in this series since its debut. The characters have been unbelievable, the situations unsubstantiated, and the dance numbers few and far between (though, in its defense, some of those dance numbers have been great…and further in the show’s defense, almost every scene with Jane Lynch is awesome).

But it’s all added up to less than the sum of its parts, and I’ve been ready to take back an hour of my life. However, I gave it one more chance this week, for an episode titled “Preggers.” And lo and behold, this show seems finally to have fulfilled its promise, not to mention all the raves the reviewers have been (prematurely) bestowing upon it.

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Mi cabaña es mi cabaña

Charlie is going to get interviewed by The Intruder. Jared is trying to warn him not to let them include him in the Bat Boy sightings. Blair is looking for her other hot-pink shoe (”the color of troublemaking sluts”) so she can go to Todd’s wedding. Dorian has interrupted Ross Rayburn’s objectification of busty women to offer him money or hell. And Mumbles and Natalie are making chemistry with each other in the stalker-demolished office. Those crazy kids.

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Fathers, Son, and Sniffles

David Vickers, to Matthew: “Look, if you’re gonna keep making sense, you’ll never work in Hollywood.” So David is now no longer just a buffoon, but also the oracle mouthpiece for the writers. Love it. David: “Ya never saw ‘Heidi,’ huh?” Matthew: “No.” David: “Dilettante.” I’m enjoying watching Matthew keep a straight face as he works with David.

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Don’t Fall in Love with a (Practical) Stranger (Who’s Gay)

Nora is at the courthouse, about to get the Wheelie verdict. She’s on the phone with Clint, as Bo shows up. As she says, “I love you” into the phone, Bo gets one of those “who cut the cheese?” looks on his face that he’s been getting lately, every time he has to face the prospect of Nora with Clint. I kinda love the way he has no problems expressing either heartsickness or stomach-sickness about Clint and Nora whenever nobody is looking (except us, of course).

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Rex Channels Mr. Mooney

Venturing from the seventh to the sixth circle of hell, Rich Doctor Handsome is now having a “dream” conversation with his comatose brother, Lumber. Yes, folks, that’s how they lure us in: promise us that he’s in a coma, then have him get up and start talking. If the heart monitor finally flatlines, does he stop talking then?

Tea is giving Todd back his ring, perhaps because all their scenes are repetitive filler these days. If he doesn’t hurry up and threaten somebody lovable soon, she’s going to completely lose interest. And over in the cabana, Blair and Ross have finished kissing, and Blair is trying to convince Ross’s nipples that she’s not interested in them.

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